I’m in a Bad Place

This is raw. I really laid it all on the table. I promised you honesty, and here it is. It’s not sugarcoated or funny. It’s real life hitting me so hard that I can barely breathe. Pushing the “Publish” button will be the hardest thing I will do today, but my story needs to be told. I can’t keep this poison contained in me anymore.

Hello. I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a while, I’ve been in a very bad head space. I’ve spent a few nights crying myself to sleep, I’ve spent a few car rides bawling my eyes out, and I’ve spent a lot of time just self-loathing and doubting myself. Why may you ask do I feel this way? Basically, I feel like a huge nothing. Since I got sick, my life’s been falling apart. You see, people are nice when you first get sick, and I assume they can even stick it out for more than 4 months (since being sick has halted my life), if you have a definitive answer to what is wrong. However, when you’re a college graduate with loans to pay, sitting jobless on your parents couch with undiagnosed reasons for pain and every doctor tells you the only thing wrong is that you have to lose weight, friends, family, even parents, no one understands.

I’ve had people leave me high and dry, not care for even a check in. I’ve had people judge me about the choices I’m making on a daily basis. I’ve had people tell me to suck it up and work through the pain. And today, I was informed that my parents are cutting off my cellphone. I get it. I contribute nothing to the household, I’m not entitled to have a cellphone. I can rationally think these things. However, it kind of just broke me.

Don’t my parents understand that I hate being here day after day, seeming like a lowlife moocher? Don’t they get how depressing it is to never leave the house because I’m so worried I’ll get my pain and not be able to cry in public, or God forbid, if I make a scene, how embarrassing that will be? Don’t they think I want to get better? Doesn’t anyone understand that I want to get better and continue to get pushed down further and further with every critical comment?

And now that we’re on the topic, or at least we were in my head (the screwed up, dark place that it is), when the doctors tell me it’s “it’s just my weight,” I have two issues. One, I’ve been this weight a long time. I get it it’s unhealthy. I’m not dumb. I know I need to make changes and I have since this all started. What I don’t get is how this problem can just spring up, and yet nothing can be told to explain it to me. My weight has been the same, while it’s unhealthy, it hasn’t changed. Two, I get in crazy pain at times where I can’t move and I just cry. Losing weight takes time and effort. Isn’t there anything that can be done to help me in the mean time? I’m not pompous enough to say, “Screw you, I like being fat. I’m not changing. Burger King is my life, and no one can take it away from me.” I get I have to lose the weight, but I’m trapped.

I’m trapped in a body that is fighting me. I’m trapped in an environment where everyone around me expects me to just overcome it all. I’m trapped in a mind that continues to tell me how stupid I am, how the pain will never end, and I will be like this forever, a shell of a person, never myself again, always stuck here, miserable.

I don’t know what to do. I want to try new doctors for second opinions, but who knows? They may come back with the same result. Furthermore, should I even be thinking about spending more of my parents’ money? I don’t know.

I know that I wish I could go out, get a job, and not have to worry if my health will prevent me from keeping it. I wish I didn’t have to disappoint my parents and use their money for my things when I am a 23 year old college graduate. Above all, I wish I could be happy. It has been so, so long since I’ve been happy, and I’m worried I might never get there again.

Let’s Talk About Jobs

Hello readers! How has your Monday been? Did you have a rough day? Google cute baby animals to help you smile 🙂

Okay, so now that you feel better, let’s talk about work (Muhahaha! Emotional roller coasters FTW). So I was a late to job person because I always put everything into school. I was 19 when I had my first job, as a summer middle school custodian. It was really humbling and made me want to work even harder at school! Then, I went into the work of retail, aka Soul Crushing Slave Labor. My saving grace was when I was a senior in college and got to be a tutor at my school’s Writing Center. I loved it so much. Helping students work on their papers and see them improve was AWESOME! Unfortunately, when I graduated I couldn’t work there anymore as it was a student position. I had a short academic specialist position for 5 weeks, but it was only seasonal.

Since then, I’ve been unemployed. I know what you’re thinking. Holly, what are you? Too good for a job because you have a fancy paper with your name on it? What are you? A mooching, lazy millennial? Believe it or not, it’s not that. I actually was hit with severe anemia and gastritis at the same time and was in the hospital, needed a blood transfusion, and was to every doctor you can imagine. I’ve been getting better slowly, very slowly. I had weeks where I couldn’t leave the house and days where I couldn’t even shower; it was too much. I now have more good days than bad, but it’s better a rough road.

In October, I plan to really job hunt, but I’ve been looking around now. What a struggle! How can jobs expect you to have so much experience? I know they expect internships, but when you worked all through school like I did, there just wasn’t time. I don’t know if I’m looking in the wrong places, but so many jobs want so much experience, but if I can’t get a job in the field, how do I get experience?! It’s a crazy cycle! I’m not sure what I will do. I know I don’t want to go back to retail, but I will if I have to. I just hope my health stays up because retail is surprisingly physical. I want to try to get into office work, but I have never worked in an office, so I don’t know how it will be. I’m going to need go try. I need income and mental sanity, being in the house all the time messes with you. I hope I can get something.

To be honest, I’m afraid to apply for any jobs because I’m afraid I’ll get sick again. I know it’s mostly anxiety, but there is a possibility since these conditions don’t really get better, it’s more managing it. I’m doing the best I can, but I just don’t know. I hope this doesn’t sound too jumbled. My brain feels jumbled. I’m gonna stop here.

Sorry if this got a little sad, I hope you all have a great night! Keep being you!