I’m in a Bad Place

This is raw. I really laid it all on the table. I promised you honesty, and here it is. It’s not sugarcoated or funny. It’s real life hitting me so hard that I can barely breathe. Pushing the “Publish” button will be the hardest thing I will do today, but my story needs to be told. I can’t keep this poison contained in me anymore.

Hello. I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a while, I’ve been in a very bad head space. I’ve spent a few nights crying myself to sleep, I’ve spent a few car rides bawling my eyes out, and I’ve spent a lot of time just self-loathing and doubting myself. Why may you ask do I feel this way? Basically, I feel like a huge nothing. Since I got sick, my life’s been falling apart. You see, people are nice when you first get sick, and I assume they can even stick it out for more than 4 months (since being sick has halted my life), if you have a definitive answer to what is wrong. However, when you’re a college graduate with loans to pay, sitting jobless on your parents couch with undiagnosed reasons for pain and every doctor tells you the only thing wrong is that you have to lose weight, friends, family, even parents, no one understands.

I’ve had people leave me high and dry, not care for even a check in. I’ve had people judge me about the choices I’m making on a daily basis. I’ve had people tell me to suck it up and work through the pain. And today, I was informed that my parents are cutting off my cellphone. I get it. I contribute nothing to the household, I’m not entitled to have a cellphone. I can rationally think these things. However, it kind of just broke me.

Don’t my parents understand that I hate being here day after day, seeming like a lowlife moocher? Don’t they get how depressing it is to never leave the house because I’m so worried I’ll get my pain and not be able to cry in public, or God forbid, if I make a scene, how embarrassing that will be? Don’t they think I want to get better? Doesn’t anyone understand that I want to get better and continue to get pushed down further and further with every critical comment?

And now that we’re on the topic, or at least we were in my head (the screwed up, dark place that it is), when the doctors tell me it’s “it’s just my weight,” I have two issues. One, I’ve been this weight a long time. I get it it’s unhealthy. I’m not dumb. I know I need to make changes and I have since this all started. What I don’t get is how this problem can just spring up, and yet nothing can be told to explain it to me. My weight has been the same, while it’s unhealthy, it hasn’t changed. Two, I get in crazy pain at times where I can’t move and I just cry. Losing weight takes time and effort. Isn’t there anything that can be done to help me in the mean time? I’m not pompous enough to say, “Screw you, I like being fat. I’m not changing. Burger King is my life, and no one can take it away from me.” I get I have to lose the weight, but I’m trapped.

I’m trapped in a body that is fighting me. I’m trapped in an environment where everyone around me expects me to just overcome it all. I’m trapped in a mind that continues to tell me how stupid I am, how the pain will never end, and I will be like this forever, a shell of a person, never myself again, always stuck here, miserable.

I don’t know what to do. I want to try new doctors for second opinions, but who knows? They may come back with the same result. Furthermore, should I even be thinking about spending more of my parents’ money? I don’t know.

I know that I wish I could go out, get a job, and not have to worry if my health will prevent me from keeping it. I wish I didn’t have to disappoint my parents and use their money for my things when I am a 23 year old college graduate. Above all, I wish I could be happy. It has been so, so long since I’ve been happy, and I’m worried I might never get there again.

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Afraid

First of all, HELLO NEW READERS (aka friends)! WELCOME TO THE MESS THAT IS MY LIFE ❤ I’m trying to figure this blogging thing out, just as I’m figuring out my life. I can’t decide which is more difficult 😉 Thank you all for following my blog; I hope you learn to enjoy it in time as I hope to get better and better!

Now that we have the PR out of the way (I’M KIDDING lol my people tell me I’m really grateful XD Alright, my bad humor will stop for a bit), I wanted to write about how I’m afraid to go for a job. Yeah, friends, health issues aside, I’m scared to even look for a job, much less worry about not getting one! I know, I sound crazy, but let me explain! Since I was a kid, I have ALWAYS been a perfectionist. In elementary school, if my practice sentences went on another line, I would erase the whole sentence and write it again. For some reason, I felt like it needed to be on one line. What’s funny is a lot of times, the things I worry about aren’t really rational. Just as per the course of being me I guess. Anyway, because I’m so obsessed with being great at everything I do (I know I know, me scatterbrained I have no idea WTF I’m doing Holly, I promise you, I’m a complete like control freak when it comes to my professional life like work and school) I put crazy pressure on myself to do things “right” the first time.

Well, you see, when you don’t know where you’re going in life there isn’t a clear “right” and “wrong,” and that TERRIFIES me. How can I do what is right if I don’t have a path?! WHERE IS THE ASSIGNMENT SHEET FOR LIFE?! Literally, I’m so used to following professors’ guidelines to get the best grade possible, and now there is no guidance. It’s just me. With my degree, I thought I’d feel super confident and like know the way, but I don’t.

I’m so so afraid of failure, like extreme, that I’m kinda stuck. . .like what if I pick the wrong job? Yeah, I could quit and try something new, but AHHH I wish I could explain it! It’s like I’m frozen by my own fear of making a mistake. The worst part is I know the only way I can get past this fear is just doing it. Most things aren’t so scary once you do them, but getting to that level just kills me!

Then, my bad self-esteem comes in and I’m like, I’m not even good enough to get a job. I am just one big ol’ mess of anxiety! I know when I do muster up the courage, you all will be there with me. You need to fall to fly, and I need to believe that!

I’m super sorry if I sound like a whiny, complaining, lazy millennial. I’m sorry if I’m just annoying in general. It’s been like two weeks guys, I’m still learning! Thanks for sticking along 🙂 Until next time, keep being you!

Sleeping is the Enemy

And apparently so is blogging, read on to find out.

Hello readers! How is your day? If you had a good one, was it from a good night’s sleep? I’m not great at those so I wouldn’t know.

While I do not, I repeat and will probably forever say it, do NOT miss college, I miss having a routine to follow. After not having school or work to keep me on a set schedule and give me reasons to be awake at a certain time, my sleeping schedule has been a mess. I stay up until wee hours of the morning and sleep until 10 am.  I guess it’s a good sign I want structure, maybe I’m not failing as bad at adulthood as I think? (Still lives with parents, has no job, and crumbling student debt, Nope I’m still failing lol) I will save the topic of jobs for its own post because it’s a different beast all its own.

Back to sleep (*Spongebob narrator voice* Three hours later…) ((By the way, if you follow my blog, you must be able to deal with bad jokes, they are just a part of me, I am on like Dad Level 17, despite being an extremely single 23 year old woman with no children lol.)) Basically, I fall asleep during the day because I crash at like the 5 o’clock mark. It’s usually thirty minutes to an hour, but it throws off everything. Pro-Tip: I read somewhere you shouldn’t nap after 4 pm because it messes with your nighttime sleep directly. Ahhh, this topic isn’t working! I wouldn’t read me. I need a change. That’s right, I’m changing topics right in the middle of my typing!

Readers, you and I have to have a talk. I apologize for how often I go off on tangents or don’t make sense. I babble on for a while because I still don’t have a direction for this blog. I’m basically just going off what my little brain comes up with day by day. I want it to come off as natural feedback is a recent college graduate with no direction in life, but it might just seem sporadic and annoying. I’ll try to work on that. I want us to be friends here. I want people to read my words, hell, that’s the whole reason I majored in Writing. All I can say is hey, I’m new to the blogging thing, away from the assignments I was given in the classroom.

I’m in the process of making the difficult transition from the classroom to the real world and it’s chaotic and insane, but I’m still happy you’re taking it with me readers. Please hang in there; we will make it through together. If you won’t give up on me, I won’t give up on you.

Remember to keep on being you, unless you’re a jerk. Until next time 🙂