I’m in a Bad Place

This is raw. I really laid it all on the table. I promised you honesty, and here it is. It’s not sugarcoated or funny. It’s real life hitting me so hard that I can barely breathe. Pushing the “Publish” button will be the hardest thing I will do today, but my story needs to be told. I can’t keep this poison contained in me anymore.

Hello. I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a while, I’ve been in a very bad head space. I’ve spent a few nights crying myself to sleep, I’ve spent a few car rides bawling my eyes out, and I’ve spent a lot of time just self-loathing and doubting myself. Why may you ask do I feel this way? Basically, I feel like a huge nothing. Since I got sick, my life’s been falling apart. You see, people are nice when you first get sick, and I assume they can even stick it out for more than 4 months (since being sick has halted my life), if you have a definitive answer to what is wrong. However, when you’re a college graduate with loans to pay, sitting jobless on your parents couch with undiagnosed reasons for pain and every doctor tells you the only thing wrong is that you have to lose weight, friends, family, even parents, no one understands.

I’ve had people leave me high and dry, not care for even a check in. I’ve had people judge me about the choices I’m making on a daily basis. I’ve had people tell me to suck it up and work through the pain. And today, I was informed that my parents are cutting off my cellphone. I get it. I contribute nothing to the household, I’m not entitled to have a cellphone. I can rationally think these things. However, it kind of just broke me.

Don’t my parents understand that I hate being here day after day, seeming like a lowlife moocher? Don’t they get how depressing it is to never leave the house because I’m so worried I’ll get my pain and not be able to cry in public, or God forbid, if I make a scene, how embarrassing that will be? Don’t they think I want to get better? Doesn’t anyone understand that I want to get better and continue to get pushed down further and further with every critical comment?

And now that we’re on the topic, or at least we were in my head (the screwed up, dark place that it is), when the doctors tell me it’s “it’s just my weight,” I have two issues. One, I’ve been this weight a long time. I get it it’s unhealthy. I’m not dumb. I know I need to make changes and I have since this all started. What I don’t get is how this problem can just spring up, and yet nothing can be told to explain it to me. My weight has been the same, while it’s unhealthy, it hasn’t changed. Two, I get in crazy pain at times where I can’t move and I just cry. Losing weight takes time and effort. Isn’t there anything that can be done to help me in the mean time? I’m not pompous enough to say, “Screw you, I like being fat. I’m not changing. Burger King is my life, and no one can take it away from me.” I get I have to lose the weight, but I’m trapped.

I’m trapped in a body that is fighting me. I’m trapped in an environment where everyone around me expects me to just overcome it all. I’m trapped in a mind that continues to tell me how stupid I am, how the pain will never end, and I will be like this forever, a shell of a person, never myself again, always stuck here, miserable.

I don’t know what to do. I want to try new doctors for second opinions, but who knows? They may come back with the same result. Furthermore, should I even be thinking about spending more of my parents’ money? I don’t know.

I know that I wish I could go out, get a job, and not have to worry if my health will prevent me from keeping it. I wish I didn’t have to disappoint my parents and use their money for my things when I am a 23 year old college graduate. Above all, I wish I could be happy. It has been so, so long since I’ve been happy, and I’m worried I might never get there again.

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I Have a Mental Illness

There, I said it. I am too afraid to tell people in my real life, except for very close friends. However, like I said, we’re friends, so there we go. When I was a sophomore in college, I got diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Today, I had a bad anxiety attack that I couldn’t calm down with distraction or guided breathing, my usual techniques. Instead of hiding my struggle, I decided to share it today.

This was after a long battle of chronic stress and anxiety attacks. After I cried for days on end, woke up in the middle of the night not being able to breathe from anxiety attacks, and having this insane weight of sadness and worry that followed me, I mustered the courage to get help. I went to my school’s counseling services and ended up getting diagnosed and put on medication for it too. I went from having no control to feeling like a person again. This mental battle almost made me dropout of college all together. It was all too much, and I couldn’t handle it.

That made graduating, especially at the top percentage of my class, so satisfying. When my brain was fighting me tooth and nail, but I came out as a victor. I was so proud that I even put “WARR;OR” on my cap. That isn’t a typo, the ; is meant to represent that something was meant to be ended, but kept going, such as when a writer uses a semicolon to connect two sentences. During those times, I’ll admit it, before I got help, I wanted my life to end, but I didn’t. I kept going.

My school ended up cancelling the program, so I haven’t had counseling or medication for the past two years. I could have went through my insurance, but talking to my parents, who provide my insurance, about mental health is tough.

Why does mental health have to have such a stigma? I don’t understand why the same brain that makes physical pain, pain comes from nerves in the brain not the flesh, can be understood, but when the same brain has a lower serotonin level or any other chemical imbalance, it’s too taboo to speak about. Even I am too afraid to talk to my parents or friends about it openly. I shouldn’t be though. If we keep making mental health a hush hush secret to be embarrassed of, proper information and resources that people need will kept in the dark too. The more people who open up, like I am here no matter how scared I am, the more people that will get helped. I have to believe that.

If you are ever going through a rough time, don’t be ashamed, just ask for help. As they say in the movie “Life As We Know It,” “Asking for help doesn’t mean you failed, it just means you’re not in it alone.” A first step to get help is to talk to a loved one or friend. If that’s too much, as opening up about mental health is very difficult, try a texting line.

My favorite service is Crisis Textline. I am not sponsored, I just have used it before and it helped me. According to their website, “Crisis Text Line is free, 24/7 support for those in crisis. Text 741741 from anywhere in the USA to text with a trained Crisis Counselor.” For more information, visit¬†http://www.crisistextline.org/ .¬†

Hang in there guys. We can all make it through this crazy ride that is life. I hope you have a reason to smile everyday or you get help to get to a point where you can have more good days than bad. I’ll never have a great day everyday, and I’m learning to be okay with that. Until next time, keep on being you!