The Plague of Being Undiagnosed

Hey guys. I come to you at a very weak moment. I am in my bed, curled in a ball, hoping my pain meds kick in soon. Though they have worked so many times before, there is always a part of me that worries “this” will be the time it doesn’t. The worry pops in everytime my pain is so high. Pain in itself is scary; no one likes to go through it. However, when pain is so intense that you can’t focus on anything else and you’re trying to hand on to sanity because it grounds you. Because if your physical body is breaking down and throwing all its best men against you, you at least need your mind to be okay and feel like a human. However, when pain is so intense, it’s hard to keep a sane mind. It’s hard to not fall into a pit of anxiety because you are terrified it won’t end and this will be it. This is how you will die. I can’t say my pain gets to that level all the time, but even the 2-3 times a month it happens is hard to deal with.

In the beginning of this medical nightmare, the pain was every day. The best way I could describe it is first it starts out as a bloating feeling, like someone is blowing a balloon in my stomach, but won’t stop, even at the point of pain. Then, it changes into a complete demonic beast that feels like a Charlie horse in my stomach, that same rolling waves of pain that people usually get in their legs during cramps. It was so scary the first time that I even went to the ER the first time I had it, but guess what? They had no answer. I had blood work and an abdominal CT scan both come back normal. They thought maybe kidney stones, so they gave me some pain meds and told me to drink a lot of water. Turns out it wasn’t that. I then went to a gastroenterologist, and he told me it was all from my weight, but I also did have gastritis. From that moment on I went on a bland diet, only chicken with no seasoning, white rice, oatmeal, and broth for weeks. The one time I tried broccoli, boom the pain was there. It two two months, and I finally felt comfortable enough to try vegetables and seasoning, very small introductions. I didn’t die. Soon my food palette opened wider, while I couldn’t eat terrible like I used to, literally living on fast food and takeout, I had more options than my four item menu.

The pain went away for all of August and I got cocky. I thought, “Hey look, my normal life is back!” I started to go on trips, not vacations I mean like to the grocery store. Everything was okay, and I thought I was getting better until 9/11. My family decided to drive to see the Tribute of Lights of the Twin Towers, a 45 minute drive from our house. About 20 minutes in, I got the pain. I was crying in my passenger seat, yet I didn’t want to spoil the night. However, the pain kept intensifying until I had to say something. I took my pills, but they take an hour to kick in and because I was away from home, I was scared. We ended up having to leave early, only to have the pills take effect on the way home.

The pain appeared a few times since then, and tonight is a night it hit. My parents are convinced I bring it on myself, so tonight they persuade me to wait and see how much pain I can withstand. It resulted in tears and hell. No one understands. Everyone thinks I’m overreacting, I have a weak pain tolerance, or I’m faking it. I wish people understood how terrible it is. I would challenge them to an hour in my body, I wouldn’t wish them a day of it, no one deserves that. I just wish they could spend time in my body and see how difficult it is to do anything.

There is the physical aspect of pain and the mental. Not only do I have to experience the pain, but I have to worry about when I will get it, where I am if I get it, who I am with, do I have my pain pills, will I cry in public, will I be able to handle it, will I have a place to lay down if I have to, will I be able to move myself to get into a car to go home, will I be able to go home? The list goes on and on.

People see me never going on, spending all my time on the couch, not looking for a job, and it’s easy for them to say I’m lazy and milking the situation, but they don’t understand how it is to be me and how much pain I get in. Even if I was able to get a job, imagine if I had the pain at work. My pills take an hour to kick in. When I get the pain, I am rendered to being in a crying ball. I can’t be at a job and do that and I can’t just leave and go home. My parents tell me I have to push through the pain, but I don’t see how it’s possible.

The worst part of this all is how I have no answer. The only reason I have pain pills is that I had to cry, pleading with my primary care doctor to give me something for the pain until I can get an answer. I have no refills, so I have to ration the medicine and ask myself I’d I really need it at times. I’m so afraid I will need it one day and not have it.

Having a diagnosis is tough, but at least you have a path on what to do. Even if the path is scary, long, and painful, there is something there. Being undiagnosed, I am stumbling through a crowded wood blindfolded with no end in sight. I have no idea what I’m doing, and no one can seem to help me. To have friends and family, not only doubt me, but also leave me in this time is so unreal. I feel like I am living a nightmare. I just graduated college. I want to be out in the world, working, finding myself, and instead I’m in bed or my house day after day. For anyone to think I am actively choosing this, my heart is broken. I feel so alone. I want people to understand, but I would never want them to have to go through what I do.

I’m in a Bad Place

This is raw. I really laid it all on the table. I promised you honesty, and here it is. It’s not sugarcoated or funny. It’s real life hitting me so hard that I can barely breathe. Pushing the “Publish” button will be the hardest thing I will do today, but my story needs to be told. I can’t keep this poison contained in me anymore.

Hello. I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a while, I’ve been in a very bad head space. I’ve spent a few nights crying myself to sleep, I’ve spent a few car rides bawling my eyes out, and I’ve spent a lot of time just self-loathing and doubting myself. Why may you ask do I feel this way? Basically, I feel like a huge nothing. Since I got sick, my life’s been falling apart. You see, people are nice when you first get sick, and I assume they can even stick it out for more than 4 months (since being sick has halted my life), if you have a definitive answer to what is wrong. However, when you’re a college graduate with loans to pay, sitting jobless on your parents couch with undiagnosed reasons for pain and every doctor tells you the only thing wrong is that you have to lose weight, friends, family, even parents, no one understands.

I’ve had people leave me high and dry, not care for even a check in. I’ve had people judge me about the choices I’m making on a daily basis. I’ve had people tell me to suck it up and work through the pain. And today, I was informed that my parents are cutting off my cellphone. I get it. I contribute nothing to the household, I’m not entitled to have a cellphone. I can rationally think these things. However, it kind of just broke me.

Don’t my parents understand that I hate being here day after day, seeming like a lowlife moocher? Don’t they get how depressing it is to never leave the house because I’m so worried I’ll get my pain and not be able to cry in public, or God forbid, if I make a scene, how embarrassing that will be? Don’t they think I want to get better? Doesn’t anyone understand that I want to get better and continue to get pushed down further and further with every critical comment?

And now that we’re on the topic, or at least we were in my head (the screwed up, dark place that it is), when the doctors tell me it’s “it’s just my weight,” I have two issues. One, I’ve been this weight a long time. I get it it’s unhealthy. I’m not dumb. I know I need to make changes and I have since this all started. What I don’t get is how this problem can just spring up, and yet nothing can be told to explain it to me. My weight has been the same, while it’s unhealthy, it hasn’t changed. Two, I get in crazy pain at times where I can’t move and I just cry. Losing weight takes time and effort. Isn’t there anything that can be done to help me in the mean time? I’m not pompous enough to say, “Screw you, I like being fat. I’m not changing. Burger King is my life, and no one can take it away from me.” I get I have to lose the weight, but I’m trapped.

I’m trapped in a body that is fighting me. I’m trapped in an environment where everyone around me expects me to just overcome it all. I’m trapped in a mind that continues to tell me how stupid I am, how the pain will never end, and I will be like this forever, a shell of a person, never myself again, always stuck here, miserable.

I don’t know what to do. I want to try new doctors for second opinions, but who knows? They may come back with the same result. Furthermore, should I even be thinking about spending more of my parents’ money? I don’t know.

I know that I wish I could go out, get a job, and not have to worry if my health will prevent me from keeping it. I wish I didn’t have to disappoint my parents and use their money for my things when I am a 23 year old college graduate. Above all, I wish I could be happy. It has been so, so long since I’ve been happy, and I’m worried I might never get there again.

Needing to Prove Myself

Hello readers! Turns out you guys didn’t like my last post 😦 I only cried for like 3 hours, I promise! I DON’T NEED THIS NEGATIVITY; I CAN JUST DELETE THIS BLOG AND NEVER LOOK BACK. YOU NEED ME, I DON’T NEED YOU! LOL IM TOTALLY KIDDING πŸ˜› I wish there was a funny “being overly dramatic for the fun of it” font, yet we don’t even have a sarcastic font, so I’ll keep dreaming.

I’m super tired typing this, so it will probably be short, but let’s see how if goes. Today, I had an epiphany! I’ve been worrying that I’m not good enough for the jobs I find on my job searches. This isn’t just “fresh out of college,” I’m too green nerves. I ruled those out when I couldn’t even apply for retail jobs, a field I unfortunately have years of experience in, because I felt like I couldn’t do them. HIGH SCHOOL KIDS DO RETAIL JOBS, AND A COLLEGE GRADUATE DOESN’T FEEL LIKE SHE CUT IT. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WHY DO I USE SO MANY CAPITALS?!

(***DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT MEANING TO OFFEND RETAIL WORKERS, I KNOW YOU ALL WORK REALLY HARD, AND YOUR WORK SHOULD NOT BE TRIVIALIZED. THAT BEING SAID, YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE THAT RETAIL EQUALIZES EVERYONE SO THAT A 17 YEAR OLD IN THE SEASONAL DEPARTMENT, A 35 YEAR OLD IN ELECTRONICS, AND A 63 YEAR OLD IN THE MEAT DEPARTMENT ARE ALL ON THE SAME LEVEL. THEREFORE, EVERYONE IS ON THE SAME LEVEL SO EDUCATION DOESN’T MATTER. NO OFFENSE MEANT, AND I’M SORRY IF I MADE ANYONE UNCOMFORTABLE. I WANT US ALL TO BE FRIENDS REMEMBER?)

So what’s with all the anxiety? I’ve done retail work for years, why would I feel like I can’t do it now? I’ll tell you what (HOLY PROPANE, I JUST TURNED INTO HANK HILL) I think it is. Having a Bachelor’s degree, no matter how minor it is in today’s society, I feel like I need to prove myself. That I need to be smarter than average or have this all together front, all because of the fought for, tooth and nail BA. I feel like I need to be better. I need to prove I am worthy.

I know these feelings are ridiculous, but I do have anxiety, as I told you, so these are the things my brain says.

I think I just need to push myself into jobs, and heck with being perfect! It’s okay to make mistakes. I’m human. I need this to be my mantra. Once I get into one job, I feel like I’ll be able to build confidence. I hope so!

Do any of you feel like you have to live up and justify this degree or is it just me?

I’m dozing off here. I have to go, but I hope I hear from some of you guys.

Until next time, keep being you!

Nostalgia

Hello guys! How are you all today? Did you have a reason to smile today? If not, go do something that makes you smile! RIGHT NOW! Heck with my post, I want you to be happy πŸ™‚ It can be as simple as watching a YouTube video (Rhett and Link are my personal favorites), petting your dog (or cat, fish, or hedgehog), or just taking a drive (that helps me clear my head sometimes).

***DISCLAIMER! I AM A POKENERD, UNAPOLOGETICALLY. THAT IS ALL.***

Okay, so now that we all are chill and feeling good, I think it’s times to get into this post! (-cue the awesome pyrotechnics!-) Today, I was over my cousin’s house playing N64! Yes, that’s right. In a world of life-like amazing 3-D graphics and Oculus Rifts, we prefer the simplicity of Nintendo 64, as it blew our young 7 year old minds in the 90s! For the curious, we played Mario Party 3 (arguably the best in the series) and Pokemon Puzzle League (because Gen 1 will always top all over generations, please just sit down in your wrongness if you think otherwise).

This got me thinking, what is with the millennial generation and nostalgia? We seem to be obsessed with it as 90s Nick Loot Boxes and Urban Outfitters shirts with Urkel fly off the shelves. Why was Pokemon Go so popular? (I think it is was bridging the times of yesteryear with Gen 1 Pokemon and cellphone technology of today.)

Is it because we grow up with a generation that was able to work and buy a house without a college degree or worries of immense debt, so we thought all was possible, only to see the harsh realities as we grew up? Is it because we didn’t have responsibilities in our childhood, and we just yearn for a simpler time when our hardest decisions were which Capris Sun to drink or what Lisa Frank folder to buy? Since we don’t have a time machine (Dang you Doctor for not sharing!), playing an old video game or watching an old movie (Heavyweights is one of my favorite childhood movies!) is our only means of going back to that time.

I believe that the YouTube channel The Fine Bros. commented one time in one of their videos (PLEASE DO NOT QUOTE ME, IT’S A VERY VAGUE MEMORY), that millennials feel so nostalgic because they went through a time when we lived both in a time of rotary phones and cellphones with Internet in such a short period of time that it seems longer than it was. Therefore, when we think back when we were young and we’re like, “Woah, that was like YEARS ago!” While I don’t know if that logic was true, like if that’s what The Fine Bros. meant, but that’s how I took it. If that is what they are saying, I think it makes sense. I find if CRAZY that people in high school now don’t know what a land-line is or know a world without the internet. I know even us millennials had a lot of technology in our lives. I often wish I could have gone through college in the 90s because I feel like it would have been easier to meet people without everyone buried in their phones all the time. Who knows though?

All in all, I know my moments of nostalgia, whether it’s playing N64, watching Pokemon: Indigo League on Netflix, or rereading the Harry Potter books, bring me a lot of happiness. I think we all need more of these reliving of the past times! I know I enjoy them and maybe you can too ! πŸ™‚

I hope this post has been a little better than the past ones. I’m trying to be more positive because the world has so much negativity. Just this week alone, my state (Dirty Jerz) had a bomb go off, from what I read five bombs found in a different town, and a police shoot out. So, needless to say, positivity is needed! I’m not gonna promise how long I’ll be like this or say that every week I’ll be positive because life gets messy, and you never know. However, I’ll try to be more mindful of positivity. Seem like a deal?

Until next time, keep being you (except if you’re a jerk ;])

QUESTION OF THE DAY: WHAT THING FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD DO YOU STILL INDULGE IN?! LEAVE IT IN THE COMMENTS :D!

Afraid

First of all, HELLO NEW READERS (aka friends)! WELCOME TO THE MESS THAT IS MY LIFE ❀ I’m trying to figure this blogging thing out, just as I’m figuring out my life. I can’t decide which is more difficult πŸ˜‰ Thank you all for following my blog; I hope you learn to enjoy it in time as I hope to get better and better!

Now that we have the PR out of the way (I’M KIDDING lol my people tell me I’m really grateful XD Alright, my bad humor will stop for a bit), I wanted to write about how I’m afraid to go for a job. Yeah, friends, health issues aside, I’m scared to even look for a job, much less worry about not getting one! I know, I sound crazy, but let me explain! Since I was a kid, I have ALWAYS been a perfectionist. In elementary school, if my practice sentences went on another line, I would erase the whole sentence and write it again. For some reason, I felt like it needed to be on one line. What’s funny is a lot of times, the things I worry about aren’t really rational. Just as per the course of being me I guess. Anyway, because I’m so obsessed with being great at everything I do (I know I know, me scatterbrained I have no idea WTF I’m doing Holly, I promise you, I’m a complete like control freak when it comes to my professional life like work and school) I put crazy pressure on myself to do things “right” the first time.

Well, you see, when you don’t know where you’re going in life there isn’t a clear “right” and “wrong,” and that TERRIFIES me. How can I do what is right if I don’t have a path?! WHERE IS THE ASSIGNMENT SHEET FOR LIFE?! Literally, I’m so used to following professors’ guidelines to get the best grade possible, and now there is no guidance. It’s just me. With my degree, I thought I’d feel super confident and like know the way, but I don’t.

I’m so so afraid of failure, like extreme, that I’m kinda stuck. . .like what if I pick the wrong job? Yeah, I could quit and try something new, but AHHH I wish I could explain it! It’s like I’m frozen by my own fear of making a mistake. The worst part is I know the only way I can get past this fear is just doing it. Most things aren’t so scary once you do them, but getting to that level just kills me!

Then, my bad self-esteem comes in and I’m like, I’m not even good enough to get a job. I am just one big ol’ mess of anxiety! I know when I do muster up the courage, you all will be there with me. You need to fall to fly, and I need to believe that!

I’m super sorry if I sound like a whiny, complaining, lazy millennial. I’m sorry if I’m just annoying in general. It’s been like two weeks guys, I’m still learning! Thanks for sticking along πŸ™‚ Until next time, keep being you!

If I Could Redo It All

Hey guys! Holly here πŸ™‚ I hope life is treating you well, but it’s life so it’s probably not. I’m sorry <\3 If I could make it better, I would. I’m sending you all good vibes though because despite what anyone else says, you deserve to have a good day!

Onto the topic!

People always say, “If I could do it all over, I’d do it all exactly the same.” Not me, if I could go back and redo things, best believe I would! I would definitely spend more time having fun in high school. I was always so obsessed with friends and grades that I didn’t have fun for me. I was too busy worrying about other people or studying. I don’t hate who I was in high school, I never wanted to be the one doing drugs or getting drunk, I just wish I did more. I hope this all makes sense.

High school was the last time you can really have fun with little responsibility, and I never took advantage of it. I never went through a Β rebellious stage or did something crazy. I’ve always just been the same. If I could do it over, I would just enjoy it all more. I spent too much time miserably. If only I could know what I know now and do high school over. That would be the best! Ahhhh!

In college, I really came into the person I was meant to be, but I can’t help but mourn the teenager I never really was.

That all being said, college is something I wouldn’t redo. I spent little to no time on friends, never went to a party, or even went on a date. Those five years were so stressful, I just can’t imagine doing it again. I’m proud of my accomplishments, but it was really tough. I understand that if I do high school over, I would have to do college over, but ugggggh. Can’t I just have my fantasy?! Get out of my dreams! Lol

By the way, I decided I’m not gonna force topics so if that means less posts, let it be. I hope it means better posts. If not, we will go back. Remember what I told you guys, we’re all new here, so we need to figure it out together. Thanks for sticking with me guys :)!

Until next time! Keep being you, unless you’re a jerk :)! Then, be nice instead!

Why are Friends so Hard to Make in Your 20s?

Hello Readers! I’m overjoyed to see even more of you! Thank you for the support πŸ™‚ Please comment on my posts; I need the feedback to make my blog better for you. A writer is nothing without her audience!

Ok so here’s the topic of the day – Friends *cue Friends theme song* Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve never been good with friends. Let me get this straight, I’m not a mean person or a bully, it’s just that it always seems like, no matter if it was high school or college, I always care more about the friendship than others. I’ve had a few exceptions, but for the most part I think I’m meant to be more of an acquaintance than a friend.

To add to this curse, I am also super shy, like can’t even turn to the kid in class to ask how the quiz was shy. I never even went to a college party or bar hopping. It’s never been me. I’m more of a let’s play board games, go to art museums, and make snores person lol. Thankfully, when I was a junior in college, I got into my first honor society which opened doors for acquaintances and allowed me to open up a bit. However, where do I go from here now? High school friends are long gone, college acquaintances and I speak every now and then, but honestly where do I go for friends now? There are no adult clubs, (upon a quick reread, this does not sound the way I wanted. . .) unless I run the risk of being murdered on Craigslist, all because I wanted to meet up and talk about Harry Potter.

Where do people in their 20s go to make friends after college? Where is the Tinder for friendship?

Holly, 23

Looking for Harry Potter marathon, road trip, Friendsgiving pals that I can be my nerdy self with!

Despite my forever alone status, I know this is a common issue with people in my age bracket. Or at least I think it is. . . Maybe it is just me? I don’t know. Where are majority of your friends from? School? Work? Neighbors? Am I just doing something wrong?

Is making friends in the 20s, away from school an issue or am I just in my own head?