I’m in a Bad Place

This is raw. I really laid it all on the table. I promised you honesty, and here it is. It’s not sugarcoated or funny. It’s real life hitting me so hard that I can barely breathe. Pushing the “Publish” button will be the hardest thing I will do today, but my story needs to be told. I can’t keep this poison contained in me anymore.

Hello. I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a while, I’ve been in a very bad head space. I’ve spent a few nights crying myself to sleep, I’ve spent a few car rides bawling my eyes out, and I’ve spent a lot of time just self-loathing and doubting myself. Why may you ask do I feel this way? Basically, I feel like a huge nothing. Since I got sick, my life’s been falling apart. You see, people are nice when you first get sick, and I assume they can even stick it out for more than 4 months (since being sick has halted my life), if you have a definitive answer to what is wrong. However, when you’re a college graduate with loans to pay, sitting jobless on your parents couch with undiagnosed reasons for pain and every doctor tells you the only thing wrong is that you have to lose weight, friends, family, even parents, no one understands.

I’ve had people leave me high and dry, not care for even a check in. I’ve had people judge me about the choices I’m making on a daily basis. I’ve had people tell me to suck it up and work through the pain. And today, I was informed that my parents are cutting off my cellphone. I get it. I contribute nothing to the household, I’m not entitled to have a cellphone. I can rationally think these things. However, it kind of just broke me.

Don’t my parents understand that I hate being here day after day, seeming like a lowlife moocher? Don’t they get how depressing it is to never leave the house because I’m so worried I’ll get my pain and not be able to cry in public, or God forbid, if I make a scene, how embarrassing that will be? Don’t they think I want to get better? Doesn’t anyone understand that I want to get better and continue to get pushed down further and further with every critical comment?

And now that we’re on the topic, or at least we were in my head (the screwed up, dark place that it is), when the doctors tell me it’s “it’s just my weight,” I have two issues. One, I’ve been this weight a long time. I get it it’s unhealthy. I’m not dumb. I know I need to make changes and I have since this all started. What I don’t get is how this problem can just spring up, and yet nothing can be told to explain it to me. My weight has been the same, while it’s unhealthy, it hasn’t changed. Two, I get in crazy pain at times where I can’t move and I just cry. Losing weight takes time and effort. Isn’t there anything that can be done to help me in the mean time? I’m not pompous enough to say, “Screw you, I like being fat. I’m not changing. Burger King is my life, and no one can take it away from me.” I get I have to lose the weight, but I’m trapped.

I’m trapped in a body that is fighting me. I’m trapped in an environment where everyone around me expects me to just overcome it all. I’m trapped in a mind that continues to tell me how stupid I am, how the pain will never end, and I will be like this forever, a shell of a person, never myself again, always stuck here, miserable.

I don’t know what to do. I want to try new doctors for second opinions, but who knows? They may come back with the same result. Furthermore, should I even be thinking about spending more of my parents’ money? I don’t know.

I know that I wish I could go out, get a job, and not have to worry if my health will prevent me from keeping it. I wish I didn’t have to disappoint my parents and use their money for my things when I am a 23 year old college graduate. Above all, I wish I could be happy. It has been so, so long since I’ve been happy, and I’m worried I might never get there again.

Needing to Prove Myself

Hello readers! Turns out you guys didn’t like my last post ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I only cried for like 3 hours, I promise! I DON’T NEED THIS NEGATIVITY; I CAN JUST DELETE THIS BLOG AND NEVER LOOK BACK. YOU NEED ME, I DON’T NEED YOU! LOL IM TOTALLY KIDDING ๐Ÿ˜› I wish there was a funny “being overly dramatic for the fun of it” font, yet we don’t even have a sarcastic font, so I’ll keep dreaming.

I’m super tired typing this, so it will probably be short, but let’s see how if goes. Today, I had an epiphany! I’ve been worrying that I’m not good enough for the jobs I find on my job searches. This isn’t just “fresh out of college,” I’m too green nerves. I ruled those out when I couldn’t even apply for retail jobs, a field I unfortunately have years of experience in, because I felt like I couldn’t do them. HIGH SCHOOL KIDS DO RETAIL JOBS, AND A COLLEGE GRADUATE DOESN’T FEEL LIKE SHE CUT IT. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WHY DO I USE SO MANY CAPITALS?!

(***DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT MEANING TO OFFEND RETAIL WORKERS, I KNOW YOU ALL WORK REALLY HARD, AND YOUR WORK SHOULD NOT BE TRIVIALIZED. THAT BEING SAID, YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE THAT RETAIL EQUALIZES EVERYONE SO THAT A 17 YEAR OLD IN THE SEASONAL DEPARTMENT, A 35 YEAR OLD IN ELECTRONICS, AND A 63 YEAR OLD IN THE MEAT DEPARTMENT ARE ALL ON THE SAME LEVEL. THEREFORE, EVERYONE IS ON THE SAME LEVEL SO EDUCATION DOESN’T MATTER. NO OFFENSE MEANT, AND I’M SORRY IF I MADE ANYONE UNCOMFORTABLE. I WANT US ALL TO BE FRIENDS REMEMBER?)

So what’s with all the anxiety? I’ve done retail work for years, why would I feel like I can’t do it now? I’ll tell you what (HOLY PROPANE, I JUST TURNED INTO HANK HILL) I think it is. Having a Bachelor’s degree, no matter how minor it is in today’s society, I feel like I need to prove myself. That I need to be smarter than average or have this all together front, all because of the fought for, tooth and nail BA. I feel like I need to be better. I need to prove I am worthy.

I know these feelings are ridiculous, but I do have anxiety, as I told you, so these are the things my brain says.

I think I just need to push myself into jobs, and heck with being perfect! It’s okay to make mistakes. I’m human. I need this to be my mantra. Once I get into one job, I feel like I’ll be able to build confidence. I hope so!

Do any of you feel like you have to live up and justify this degree or is it just me?

I’m dozing off here. I have to go, but I hope I hear from some of you guys.

Until next time, keep being you!

Nostalgia

Hello guys! How are you all today? Did you have a reason to smile today? If not, go do something that makes you smile! RIGHT NOW! Heck with my post, I want you to be happy ๐Ÿ™‚ It can be as simple as watching a YouTube video (Rhett and Link are my personal favorites), petting your dog (or cat, fish, or hedgehog), or just taking a drive (that helps me clear my head sometimes).

***DISCLAIMER! I AM A POKENERD, UNAPOLOGETICALLY. THAT IS ALL.***

Okay, so now that we all are chill and feeling good, I think it’s times to get into this post! (-cue the awesome pyrotechnics!-) Today, I was over my cousin’s house playing N64! Yes, that’s right. In a world of life-like amazing 3-D graphics and Oculus Rifts, we prefer the simplicity of Nintendo 64, as it blew our young 7 year old minds in the 90s! For the curious, we played Mario Party 3 (arguably the best in the series) and Pokemon Puzzle League (because Gen 1 will always top all over generations, please just sit down in your wrongness if you think otherwise).

This got me thinking, what is with the millennial generation and nostalgia? We seem to be obsessed with it as 90s Nick Loot Boxes and Urban Outfitters shirts with Urkel fly off the shelves. Why was Pokemon Go so popular? (I think it is was bridging the times of yesteryear with Gen 1 Pokemon and cellphone technology of today.)

Is it because we grow up with a generation that was able to work and buy a house without a college degree or worries of immense debt, so we thought all was possible, only to see the harsh realities as we grew up? Is it because we didn’t have responsibilities in our childhood, and we just yearn for a simpler time when our hardest decisions were which Capris Sun to drink or what Lisa Frank folder to buy? Since we don’t have a time machine (Dang you Doctor for not sharing!), playing an old video game or watching an old movie (Heavyweights is one of my favorite childhood movies!) is our only means of going back to that time.

I believe that the YouTube channel The Fine Bros. commented one time in one of their videos (PLEASE DO NOT QUOTE ME, IT’S A VERY VAGUE MEMORY), that millennials feel so nostalgic because they went through a time when we lived both in a time of rotary phones and cellphones with Internet in such a short period of time that it seems longer than it was. Therefore, when we think back when we were young and we’re like, “Woah, that was like YEARS ago!” While I don’t know if that logic was true, like if that’s what The Fine Bros. meant, but that’s how I took it. If that is what they are saying, I think it makes sense. I find if CRAZY that people in high school now don’t know what a land-line is or know a world without the internet. I know even us millennials had a lot of technology in our lives. I often wish I could have gone through college in the 90s because I feel like it would have been easier to meet people without everyone buried in their phones all the time. Who knows though?

All in all, I know my moments of nostalgia, whether it’s playing N64, watching Pokemon: Indigo League on Netflix, or rereading the Harry Potter books, bring me a lot of happiness. I think we all need more of these reliving of the past times! I know I enjoy them and maybe you can too ! ๐Ÿ™‚

I hope this post has been a little better than the past ones. I’m trying to be more positive because the world has so much negativity. Just this week alone, my state (Dirty Jerz) had a bomb go off, from what I read five bombs found in a different town, and a police shoot out. So, needless to say, positivity is needed! I’m not gonna promise how long I’ll be like this or say that every week I’ll be positive because life gets messy, and you never know. However, I’ll try to be more mindful of positivity. Seem like a deal?

Until next time, keep being you (except if you’re a jerk ;])

QUESTION OF THE DAY: WHAT THING FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD DO YOU STILL INDULGE IN?! LEAVE IT IN THE COMMENTS :D!

Afraid

First of all, HELLO NEW READERS (aka friends)! WELCOME TO THE MESS THAT IS MY LIFE โค I’m trying to figure this blogging thing out, just as I’m figuring out my life. I can’t decide which is more difficult ๐Ÿ˜‰ Thank you all for following my blog; I hope you learn to enjoy it in time as I hope to get better and better!

Now that we have the PR out of the way (I’M KIDDING lol my people tell me I’m really grateful XD Alright, my bad humor will stop for a bit), I wanted to write about how I’m afraid to go for a job. Yeah, friends, health issues aside, I’m scared to even look for a job, much less worry about not getting one! I know, I sound crazy, but let me explain! Since I was a kid, I have ALWAYS been a perfectionist. In elementary school, if my practice sentences went on another line, I would erase the whole sentence and write it again. For some reason, I felt like it needed to be on one line. What’s funny is a lot of times, the things I worry about aren’t really rational. Just as per the course of being me I guess. Anyway, because I’m so obsessed with being great at everything I do (I know I know, me scatterbrained I have no idea WTF I’m doing Holly, I promise you, I’m a complete like control freak when it comes to my professional life like work and school) I put crazy pressure on myself to do things “right” the first time.

Well, you see, when you don’t know where you’re going in life there isn’t a clear “right” and “wrong,” and that TERRIFIES me. How can I do what is right if I don’t have a path?! WHERE IS THE ASSIGNMENT SHEET FOR LIFE?! Literally, I’m so used to following professors’ guidelines to get the best grade possible, and now there is no guidance. It’s just me. With my degree, I thought I’d feel super confident and like know the way, but I don’t.

I’m so so afraid of failure, like extreme, that I’m kinda stuck. . .like what if I pick the wrong job? Yeah, I could quit and try something new, but AHHH I wish I could explain it! It’s like I’m frozen by my own fear of making a mistake. The worst part is I know the only way I can get past this fear is just doing it. Most things aren’t so scary once you do them, but getting to that level just kills me!

Then, my bad self-esteem comes in and I’m like, I’m not even good enough to get a job. I am just one big ol’ mess of anxiety! I know when I do muster up the courage, you all will be there with me. You need to fall to fly, and I need to believe that!

I’m super sorry if I sound like a whiny, complaining, lazy millennial. I’m sorry if I’m just annoying in general. It’s been like two weeks guys, I’m still learning! Thanks for sticking along ๐Ÿ™‚ Until next time, keep being you!

I Have a Mental Illness

There, I said it. I am too afraid to tell people in my real life, except for very close friends. However, like I said, we’re friends, so there we go. When I was a sophomore in college, I got diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Today, I had a bad anxiety attack that I couldn’t calm down with distraction or guided breathing, my usual techniques. Instead of hiding my struggle, I decided to share it today.

This was after a long battle of chronic stress and anxiety attacks. After I cried for days on end, woke up in the middle of the night not being able to breathe from anxiety attacks, and having this insane weight of sadness and worry that followed me, I mustered the courage to get help. I went to my school’s counseling services and ended up getting diagnosed and put on medication for it too. I went from having no control to feeling like a person again. This mental battle almost made me dropout of college all together. It was all too much, and I couldn’t handle it.

That made graduating, especially at the top percentage of my class, so satisfying. When my brain was fighting me tooth and nail, but I came out as a victor. I was so proud that I even put “WARR;OR” on my cap. That isn’t a typo, the ; is meant to represent that something was meant to be ended, but kept going, such as when a writer uses a semicolon to connect two sentences. During those times, I’ll admit it, before I got help, I wanted my life to end, but I didn’t. I kept going.

My school ended up cancelling the program, so I haven’t had counseling or medication for the past two years. I could have went through my insurance, but talking to my parents, who provide my insurance, about mental health is tough.

Why does mental health have to have such a stigma? I don’t understand why the same brain that makes physical pain, pain comes from nerves in the brain not the flesh, can be understood, but when the same brain has a lower serotonin level or any other chemical imbalance, it’s too taboo to speak about. Even I am too afraid to talk to my parents or friends about it openly. I shouldn’t be though. If we keep making mental health a hush hush secret to be embarrassed of, proper information and resources that people need will kept in the dark too. The more people who open up, like I am here no matter how scared I am, the more people that will get helped. I have to believe that.

If you are ever going through a rough time, don’t be ashamed, just ask for help. As they say in the movie “Life As We Know It,” “Asking for help doesn’t mean you failed, it just means you’re not in it alone.” A first step to get help is to talk to a loved one or friend. If that’s too much, as opening up about mental health is very difficult, try a texting line.

My favorite service is Crisis Textline. I am not sponsored, I just have used it before and it helped me. According to their website, “Crisis Text Line is free, 24/7 support for those in crisis. Text 741741 from anywhere in the USA to text with a trained Crisis Counselor.” For more information, visitย http://www.crisistextline.org/ .ย 

Hang in there guys. We can all make it through this crazy ride that is life. I hope you have a reason to smile everyday or you get help to get to a point where you can have more good days than bad. I’ll never have a great day everyday, and I’m learning to be okay with that. Until next time, keep on being you!

If I Could Redo It All

Hey guys! Holly here ๐Ÿ™‚ I hope life is treating you well, but it’s life so it’s probably not. I’m sorry <\3 If I could make it better, I would. I’m sending you all good vibes though because despite what anyone else says, you deserve to have a good day!

Onto the topic!

People always say, “If I could do it all over, I’d do it all exactly the same.” Not me, if I could go back and redo things, best believe I would! I would definitely spend more time having fun in high school. I was always so obsessed with friends and grades that I didn’t have fun for me. I was too busy worrying about other people or studying. I don’t hate who I was in high school, I never wanted to be the one doing drugs or getting drunk, I just wish I did more. I hope this all makes sense.

High school was the last time you can really have fun with little responsibility, and I never took advantage of it. I never went through a ย rebellious stage or did something crazy. I’ve always just been the same. If I could do it over, I would just enjoy it all more. I spent too much time miserably. If only I could know what I know now and do high school over. That would be the best! Ahhhh!

In college, I really came into the person I was meant to be, but I can’t help but mourn the teenager I never really was.

That all being said, college is something I wouldn’t redo. I spent little to no time on friends, never went to a party, or even went on a date. Those five years were so stressful, I just can’t imagine doing it again. I’m proud of my accomplishments, but it was really tough. I understand that if I do high school over, I would have to do college over, but ugggggh. Can’t I just have my fantasy?! Get out of my dreams! Lol

By the way, I decided I’m not gonna force topics so if that means less posts, let it be. I hope it means better posts. If not, we will go back. Remember what I told you guys, we’re all new here, so we need to figure it out together. Thanks for sticking with me guys :)!

Until next time! Keep being you, unless you’re a jerk :)! Then, be nice instead!

Let’s Talk About Jobs

Hello readers! How has your Monday been? Did you have a rough day? Google cute baby animals to help you smile ๐Ÿ™‚

Okay, so now that you feel better, let’s talk about work (Muhahaha! Emotional roller coasters FTW). So I was a late to job person because I always put everything into school. I was 19 when I had my first job, as a summer middle school custodian. It was really humbling and made me want to work even harder at school! Then, I went into the work of retail, aka Soul Crushing Slave Labor. My saving grace was when I was a senior in college and got to be a tutor at my school’s Writing Center. I loved it so much. Helping students work on their papers and see them improve was AWESOME! Unfortunately, when I graduated I couldn’t work there anymore as it was a student position. I had a short academic specialist position for 5 weeks, but it was only seasonal.

Since then, I’ve been unemployed. I know what you’re thinking. Holly, what are you? Too good for a job because you have a fancy paper with your name on it? What are you? A mooching, lazy millennial? Believe it or not, it’s not that. I actually was hit with severe anemia and gastritis at the same time and was in the hospital, needed a blood transfusion, and was to every doctor you can imagine. I’ve been getting better slowly, very slowly. I had weeks where I couldn’t leave the house and days where I couldn’t even shower; it was too much. I now have more good days than bad, but it’s better a rough road.

In October, I plan to really job hunt, but I’ve been looking around now. What a struggle! How can jobs expect you to have so much experience? I know they expect internships, but when you worked all through school like I did, there just wasn’t time. I don’t know if I’m looking in the wrong places, but so many jobs want so much experience, but if I can’t get a job in the field, how do I get experience?! It’s a crazy cycle! I’m not sure what I will do. I know I don’t want to go back to retail, but I will if I have to. I just hope my health stays up because retail is surprisingly physical. I want to try to get into office work, but I have never worked in an office, so I don’t know how it will be. I’m going to need go try. I need income and mental sanity, being in the house all the time messes with you. I hope I can get something.

To be honest, I’m afraid to apply for any jobs because I’m afraid I’ll get sick again. I know it’s mostly anxiety, but there is a possibility since these conditions don’t really get better, it’s more managing it. I’m doing the best I can, but I just don’t know. I hope this doesn’t sound too jumbled. My brain feels jumbled. I’m gonna stop here.

Sorry if this got a little sad, I hope you all have a great night! Keep being you!