Needing to Prove Myself

Hello readers! Turns out you guys didn’t like my last post ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I only cried for like 3 hours, I promise! I DON’T NEED THIS NEGATIVITY; I CAN JUST DELETE THIS BLOG AND NEVER LOOK BACK. YOU NEED ME, I DON’T NEED YOU! LOL IM TOTALLY KIDDING ๐Ÿ˜› I wish there was a funny “being overly dramatic for the fun of it” font, yet we don’t even have a sarcastic font, so I’ll keep dreaming.

I’m super tired typing this, so it will probably be short, but let’s see how if goes. Today, I had an epiphany! I’ve been worrying that I’m not good enough for the jobs I find on my job searches. This isn’t just “fresh out of college,” I’m too green nerves. I ruled those out when I couldn’t even apply for retail jobs, a field I unfortunately have years of experience in, because I felt like I couldn’t do them. HIGH SCHOOL KIDS DO RETAIL JOBS, AND A COLLEGE GRADUATE DOESN’T FEEL LIKE SHE CUT IT. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WHY DO I USE SO MANY CAPITALS?!

(***DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT MEANING TO OFFEND RETAIL WORKERS, I KNOW YOU ALL WORK REALLY HARD, AND YOUR WORK SHOULD NOT BE TRIVIALIZED. THAT BEING SAID, YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE THAT RETAIL EQUALIZES EVERYONE SO THAT A 17 YEAR OLD IN THE SEASONAL DEPARTMENT, A 35 YEAR OLD IN ELECTRONICS, AND A 63 YEAR OLD IN THE MEAT DEPARTMENT ARE ALL ON THE SAME LEVEL. THEREFORE, EVERYONE IS ON THE SAME LEVEL SO EDUCATION DOESN’T MATTER. NO OFFENSE MEANT, AND I’M SORRY IF I MADE ANYONE UNCOMFORTABLE. I WANT US ALL TO BE FRIENDS REMEMBER?)

So what’s with all the anxiety? I’ve done retail work for years, why would I feel like I can’t do it now? I’ll tell you what (HOLY PROPANE, I JUST TURNED INTO HANK HILL) I think it is. Having a Bachelor’s degree, no matter how minor it is in today’s society, I feel like I need to prove myself. That I need to be smarter than average or have this all together front, all because of the fought for, tooth and nail BA. I feel like I need to be better. I need to prove I am worthy.

I know these feelings are ridiculous, but I do have anxiety, as I told you, so these are the things my brain says.

I think I just need to push myself into jobs, and heck with being perfect! It’s okay to make mistakes. I’m human. I need this to be my mantra. Once I get into one job, I feel like I’ll be able to build confidence. I hope so!

Do any of you feel like you have to live up and justify this degree or is it just me?

I’m dozing off here. I have to go, but I hope I hear from some of you guys.

Until next time, keep being you!

Afraid

First of all, HELLO NEW READERS (aka friends)! WELCOME TO THE MESS THAT IS MY LIFE โค I’m trying to figure this blogging thing out, just as I’m figuring out my life. I can’t decide which is more difficult ๐Ÿ˜‰ Thank you all for following my blog; I hope you learn to enjoy it in time as I hope to get better and better!

Now that we have the PR out of the way (I’M KIDDING lol my people tell me I’m really grateful XD Alright, my bad humor will stop for a bit), I wanted to write about how I’m afraid to go for a job. Yeah, friends, health issues aside, I’m scared to even look for a job, much less worry about not getting one! I know, I sound crazy, but let me explain! Since I was a kid, I have ALWAYS been a perfectionist. In elementary school, if my practice sentences went on another line, I would erase the whole sentence and write it again. For some reason, I felt like it needed to be on one line. What’s funny is a lot of times, the things I worry about aren’t really rational. Just as per the course of being me I guess. Anyway, because I’m so obsessed with being great at everything I do (I know I know, me scatterbrained I have no idea WTF I’m doing Holly, I promise you, I’m a complete like control freak when it comes to my professional life like work and school) I put crazy pressure on myself to do things “right” the first time.

Well, you see, when you don’t know where you’re going in life there isn’t a clear “right” and “wrong,” and that TERRIFIES me. How can I do what is right if I don’t have a path?! WHERE IS THE ASSIGNMENT SHEET FOR LIFE?! Literally, I’m so used to following professors’ guidelines to get the best grade possible, and now there is no guidance. It’s just me. With my degree, I thought I’d feel super confident and like know the way, but I don’t.

I’m so so afraid of failure, like extreme, that I’m kinda stuck. . .like what if I pick the wrong job? Yeah, I could quit and try something new, but AHHH I wish I could explain it! It’s like I’m frozen by my own fear of making a mistake. The worst part is I know the only way I can get past this fear is just doing it. Most things aren’t so scary once you do them, but getting to that level just kills me!

Then, my bad self-esteem comes in and I’m like, I’m not even good enough to get a job. I am just one big ol’ mess of anxiety! I know when I do muster up the courage, you all will be there with me. You need to fall to fly, and I need to believe that!

I’m super sorry if I sound like a whiny, complaining, lazy millennial. I’m sorry if I’m just annoying in general. It’s been like two weeks guys, I’m still learning! Thanks for sticking along ๐Ÿ™‚ Until next time, keep being you!

I Have a Mental Illness

There, I said it. I am too afraid to tell people in my real life, except for very close friends. However, like I said, we’re friends, so there we go. When I was a sophomore in college, I got diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Today, I had a bad anxiety attack that I couldn’t calm down with distraction or guided breathing, my usual techniques. Instead of hiding my struggle, I decided to share it today.

This was after a long battle of chronic stress and anxiety attacks. After I cried for days on end, woke up in the middle of the night not being able to breathe from anxiety attacks, and having this insane weight of sadness and worry that followed me, I mustered the courage to get help. I went to my school’s counseling services and ended up getting diagnosed and put on medication for it too. I went from having no control to feeling like a person again. This mental battle almost made me dropout of college all together. It was all too much, and I couldn’t handle it.

That made graduating, especially at the top percentage of my class, so satisfying. When my brain was fighting me tooth and nail, but I came out as a victor. I was so proud that I even put “WARR;OR” on my cap. That isn’t a typo, the ; is meant to represent that something was meant to be ended, but kept going, such as when a writer uses a semicolon to connect two sentences. During those times, I’ll admit it, before I got help, I wanted my life to end, but I didn’t. I kept going.

My school ended up cancelling the program, so I haven’t had counseling or medication for the past two years. I could have went through my insurance, but talking to my parents, who provide my insurance, about mental health is tough.

Why does mental health have to have such a stigma? I don’t understand why the same brain that makes physical pain, pain comes from nerves in the brain not the flesh, can be understood, but when the same brain has a lower serotonin level or any other chemical imbalance, it’s too taboo to speak about. Even I am too afraid to talk to my parents or friends about it openly. I shouldn’t be though. If we keep making mental health a hush hush secret to be embarrassed of, proper information and resources that people need will kept in the dark too. The more people who open up, like I am here no matter how scared I am, the more people that will get helped. I have to believe that.

If you are ever going through a rough time, don’t be ashamed, just ask for help. As they say in the movie “Life As We Know It,” “Asking for help doesn’t mean you failed, it just means you’re not in it alone.” A first step to get help is to talk to a loved one or friend. If that’s too much, as opening up about mental health is very difficult, try a texting line.

My favorite service is Crisis Textline. I am not sponsored, I just have used it before and it helped me. According to their website, “Crisis Text Line is free, 24/7 support for those in crisis. Text 741741 from anywhere in the USA to text with a trained Crisis Counselor.” For more information, visitย http://www.crisistextline.org/ .ย 

Hang in there guys. We can all make it through this crazy ride that is life. I hope you have a reason to smile everyday or you get help to get to a point where you can have more good days than bad. I’ll never have a great day everyday, and I’m learning to be okay with that. Until next time, keep on being you!